Riddle

I am enigmatic,
A saying,
A question,
A picture,

I am 1,000 words.
I’m fake Asian food,
I am midnight.

A bag of glitter confetti,
A bowling coupon.
I’m a red chair cushion,
And the shoes on your feet.
Today,

You are easily read,
A book,
An answer,
An image,

You are 1 word,
You are noon,
You’re rice,

A box of computer paper,
A grocery bag,
You’re a white pillow,
And the socks on my feet,
Every day


2010

My Name

In English my name means…..you know what, scratch that. I don’t know what my name really means, and why should I? I mean, there are a lot of people who need to know everything right then and there, and I’m not that kind of person. If I had to take a guess, it might seem to me like a sort of yellow color, maybe a pale blue. My name is morning and I am night, it’s simply not fit for me. My name is not the real me, I am secretive, dark, and deep, much light the cytoplasm of the universe, the darkness that lies between the stars. My name on the other hand, is the bright blue sky and the yellow sunrise, which fit me when I was about five, but I think that I’m just about ready for a change.
It is also my second cousins name too; I can only assume that I was named after her. I always wondered if she was more like the sun or the moon, the morning or the night, midnight or noon. Although she is still alive I have yet to meet her, so I wonder.
There is only one place I will ever go by the name Ellen, and that would be Cotillion. At school my name is Ellie, and I’m not saying I like it, but prefer it over the hard stone sound from my N in Ellen. Ellie is much softer. When someone calls me Ellen I feel either too young or too old, never where I am.
Everyone always says that the name Ellie fits me. I'm not sure why, but I hate that.  When someone tells me that the name Ellie fits me, it makes me think that they do not know the real me at all. They know the School me, the real me does not think that way, use the same vocabulary, or even act the same way. That is why I chose writing, communicating without talking, connecting without sharing... it seems the practice was made for me. I hate public speaking, and I hate fitting in like a cookie cutter. If I were a coloring book and my name were the colors, the crayons markings wouldn’t be even a tiny bit outside the lines. I need something to help me escape my cookie cutter life, something to make me seem more unpredictable, as I hide behind a hesitant conscience.
I would like to baptize myself under a new name, a name that’s less typical of me. I need a name that no one else has... like…Beyonce. I’m not exactly saying I want to be Beyonce, but think about it. How many Beyonces do you know? ONE! I need a name like that. I need a name that, when it's spoken, everyone always knows exactly who they’re talking about. Maybe I would change my name to……… well that’s just it, I don’t know what my name should be, because I thought more and more and finally I realized that which ever name I would choose, I’m going to want to change it later. Although something like Kira or even Beyonce would be nice, soon enough I will want to change it again. So for now I guess I’m coloring inside the lines.


2008

From an Unknown Companion

He has no name to me.
Mender of worlds,
Healer of the universe,
Savior of time.

This Timey-Wimey
Glob of goop
Could so effortlessly
Be under his control.

But he’ll just stop
And watch it go.

Too much time
To reflect, I suppose.

He’s content
To watch and wonder.

Let him go.
Keep your gun.

We, the people of the earth,
Sunken to the bottom.
Left behind,
Drifting,
Gravity yanks us
Away from the unknown.

Crystallization.
Saturating,
Crusting and crumbling
Our shoes to the floor.
The cytoplasm of the universe,
Waiting,
So disturbed and so unheard of,
But I’ve seen it now.


2010

The Ways We Lie

"it's not easy to entirely eliminate lies from our lives. No matter how pious we may try to be, we will still embellish, hedge, and omit to lubricate the daily machinery of living. but there is a world of difference between telling lies and living a lie. Martin Buber once said, "The lie is the spirit committing treason against itself." Our acceptance of lies becomes a cultural cancer that eventually shrouds and reorders reality until moral garbage becomes as invisible to us as water is to a fish." The Ways We Lie; Stephanie Ericsson


WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS AN ESSAY I WROTE FOR ENGLISH THAT CONTAINS A LOT OF HARRY POTTER AND A LITTLE SHAKESPEARE.  Also, this is my essay before my teacher corrected it as well... She made me cut most of the intro, which i love... so I thought I'd just post this version anyway. ENJOY.

The Atrocity and Essentiality of Lies

            Gilderoy Lockhart unlocks the exhausted wooden door to explore his unfamiliar office. He cannot help but notice, as he steps across the threshold, a full wall of different dark reds, deep forest greens, and elegant cobalt blues. Books line the room from floor to ceiling, each one different, and yet alike. As he examines the hard covers, he finds they all have one thing in common. Etched in gold across each spine, a name has been printed in curly cursive… Gilderoy Lockhart. He rips them off the shelves, feverishly flipping through the pages, which contain first hand accounts of his struggles with serpents, battles with banshees, and wrangles with wolves. He rapidly skims the stories in disbelief, reading about creatures whose names alone would frighten his students to retreat under their desks, and of course, the exhilarating tales of how he had defeated them. What Gilderoy found most odd was his failure to remember any of the events in these books… or ever having written them at all. Although he could not recall ever setting pen to paper with the intention of producing a novel, that did not matter. Even if he had not lost his memory… he would never be able to truly recall all the events in his “autobiographies.” This is simply because every last book written by Gilderoy Lockhart was a lie. Gilderoy traveled across the world recording the stories of brave men and women, wiping their memories, and presenting their accomplishments as his own personal achievements. Through these mendacities, Gilderoy has compromised part of himself, although he always viewed them as essential to his success. In an excerpt from The Ways We Lie, Stephanie Ericsson emphasizes the atrocity and yet the essentiality of lying. Although she admits there are functional lies, Ericsson also raises the point that lying cannot only cause distress around the lair, but within them. In a society where lying has become pedestrian, we must contemplate where to draw the line between a functional lie and a prevalent falsehood. Although Ericsson conveys all lies as corrupting us from within, venial lies are not only functional, but absolutely essential.

Lies can be detrimental and demoralizing to the liar, that much is undeniable. With each severe falsehood someone bestows upon the world, he grows farther from himself. Iago from William Shakespeare’s Othello is a perfect example. As the storyline progresses Iago seems to be driving himself mad with power, and dragging Othello, the title character, to insanity alongside him. Each time the knave decides to twist the truth in an attempt to sabotage the Othello’s happiness, he endangers a bit of his own rational being. The plotline is focused mainly on Othello’s journey into an unstable consciousness of insanity, but does not emphasize the fact that Iago is being driven mad with the power to manipulate as well. Iago’s lies eventually render him sociopathic, and he feels the destruction of those around him has become a game. Each lie Iago tells is not only onerous to Othello’s newly procured paranoid mindset, but also takes an enormous toll on Iago himself.

The most important facet when considering the morality of a lie is intentions. For example, imagine the mother of a small child had procured a cancerous brain tumor. She and the child’s father would have to sit their daughter down and explain the circumstances. They deliver the news with generally calm dispositions, hoping to placate all the worries their child may have. They are hoping their little girl may find their voices to be soothing, and hopefully may feel a little more at ease about the situation at hand. As the mother goes into surgery, hopefully the child will not feel scared, as you would usually expect any child to be during such a tragic time. The child feels safe, and knows, as her parents have told her, that “Everything will be alright.” It is hard to believe that the mother was not scared as she was being prepared for her operation. It is hard to believe that she truly felt that “everything would be alright,” but it was essential that she lied to her child. The girl’s parents only intended to appease their child, showing that a lie like this one is completely functional, and even caring. That little girl may have grown up wishing she’d known how serious the situation was at the time, but my parents knew something she did not. They knew just how important it was that I did not discover the full weight of this issue until after the procedure, after I knew my mother would truly “be all right.”

In her essay, Stephanie Ericsson reflects upon how essential and unavoidable lying has become in everyday life. Although she says that lies are “moral garbage”, equating them to “cultural cancer”, sometimes it can be important, and even lifesaving in our society to utilize functional lies. A paragon of the redeeming qualities of a functional lie would be Severus Snape from the Harry Potter series. Snape manipulates the nefarious Lord Voldemort with the use of functional lies to preserve the lives of those around him. This enigmatic character is known to be a follower of both the malevolent Voldemort, as well as the benevolent Dumbledore. Neither of these men have ever been given a reason to doubt Snape’s loyalty, but no one knows to whom he is truly loyal. He is known for being mildly cruel to Harry, who despises the man all throughout his years of schooling. Snape seems to despise Harry as well, making his life more difficult at every opportunity, but when it comes down to it, Snape has preserved Harry’s life on several occasions. By assuming the role of a villain, Snape could receive inside information from Lord Voldemort, providing him with the opportunity to spare the lives of innocent people. Although lies are often detestable, this is where it becomes most complicated, when lies hold the potential to save lives.

Lockhart had charmed his students and colleagues after recounting to them all of his amazing achievements, which had been spread throughout his several autobiographies. In reality, he is nothing more than a coward. Lockhart is nothing more than a liar. He has spread inaccuracies countless times to his students, fellow professors, readers, and most importantly, himself. Lockhart’s view on his many falsehoods has warped his mind, as he now believes these detrimental lies to be essential, and simply functional. Although operative and imperative lies are important, we must first draw the line between those such lies, and destructive falsehoods. It is ironic that Gilderoy has his own memories erased, and can no longer recall who he is, because even before this incident Lockhart had already lost himself. He had spread so much disinformation about himself and his life, that he himself had physically forgotten who the true Gilderoy Lockhart was… a liar.


2010

Bookstore Boy

There's a me.
She's not here.

and there's a you.
that's hidden near.

a paradise
of books and coffee
so by paradise,
a library.

the hidden you
is there,
don't tell!
secret me
is there as well.

Their stolen glances
over hard binding,
more than Alaska's
what she's finding.

mystery me,
and yearning you,
yank us through
the bookshelves too.

Knees wobbly,
and eyes flicker,
stomachs
simultaneously
grow sicker.

We dodge and
move our separate ways,
just a smile...
on the better days.

Sometimes I really
wish I knew
the secret soul
inside of you.


2009

Nerdfighter Comment Appreciation Post

So this year for the Project 4 Awesome (Nerdfighter Charity Event) I made a video about the Trevor Project (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUGMZ4Aqj2M)

So the P4A was started in 2007 by John and Hank and basically their goal was to use their knowledge of the featuring process as Youtubers to hack the system and make sure all the featured videos were about charity. To do this they asked the nerdfighters to comment and like and favorite as many times on as many p4a videos on Dec. 17th that they could. It was an amazing success, and so they've been doing this annually ever since.

I was not a nerdfighter during the P4A even last year, so this was my first. There's a blog on tumblr called EffYeahNerdfighters, and this year they held a live show to promote certain videos for the nerdfighters to go attack with comments and views etc.

My video was chosen for this, and I can't tell you how happy I was that it was. Their goal for my video was 1,000 comments, and therefore I ended up with a ton to read through. On the actual liveshow they would give prompts as to what people should comment about so it wasn't just "P4A" and "DFTBA" all over the page. I would like to share some of my favorite comments with you.

The first prompt: Compliments.

"YOU'RE NOT A LOSER! DFTBA! #spamwow" -sparksbleeder

"you look like you give good hugs! I want to hug you" -as9430

"hmmm ur so ugly its cute" -The NavyHM

"you are aesthetically pleasing" -dearcentennial

All I could think when I read this was "Eyelashes! our little surprise... they're underneath your hair... they're like... hair for eyes." (and if you know where that's from you win the non-existant Space Cadet prize of the day)

"Nice sweatervest ;D" -foreverjynxed

Why thanks, but that's swest to you.

"I love your voice Darren" -Zik33

Now I'm not sure if she/he knows this... but I'm not Darren Criss. I'd just like to clarify.

"Your right arm smells like alaskan huskies (Good Thing)" -TheWulfMaster

"I like your eyebrows" kaylasturner 

this comment is funny to me because its something I've been told in real life, and I never really understood it. People always ask me where I get my eyebrows threaded and such and literally I didn't even knew what that meant until someone explained it to me. Frankly I just don't understand. HOW CAN SOMEONE HAVE NICE EYEBROWS? I understand people can have bad eyebrows, because I've seen them. But if they're not bad, I just consider them good? like normal? I don't know.

"Your eyes are so blue" -Zik33

my eyes are hazel. not even tinted blue hazely. like green/brown haha

"Your nose is as cute as a button :)" -SoloStellatv

this comment was funny to me as well, because I always thought I had a really weird squishy nose. To hear its cute as a button was like what? lol

"YOUR TOENAILS ARE REALLY LONG. COMPLIMENT." -spazophie

"You have a nice voice" -ERSorensen

Someone once told me, "you have a great voice," so I assumed singing? then..., "Singing and talking." Again, how can someone have a good talking voice? good for what? haha

"Your hair looks like a chocolate waterfall" -SoloStellatv

Yum.

"That camera angle? BEST I'VE EVER SEEN." -yeah568

"I beckoned lovely and she's you (:" -SoloStellatv 

This is a Nerdfighter joke that I absolutely loved, alluding to the Beckoning of Lovely. On a seperate note, SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE A NERDFIGHTER PICKUP LINE BLOG.

"I like [your] boulder. that is a niiice boulder." -spazophies

donkey ftw.

"You get two hearts <3 <3 cuz I'm a timelord" -PHvlogger

Doctor Who jokes <3

"you're adorable!! Great great great video!" -hypedragon
I overuse the word adorable. and absolutely. its excessive.

"Great video! DFTBA, John" -Project4awesome

just check out that username... yep, yep. so that John? JOHN EFFING GREEN. I happy danced around my room for a good 10 minutes. ngl.

"beautiful nerdfighters are beautiful XD" -foreveryjynxed

The funny thing about the compliment prompt is that you have no idea if people are truly complimenting you, or just writing random things in to comment faster. Either way, it still made me feel good. Like, "Your eyes are so blue" is obviously some random thing a commentor decided to say, because my eyes are in no way blue. But when I read, "Your nose is as cute as a button" it made me smile. That person may have not even watched far enough into the video to see my face, but it still made me happy, which is a curious thing.

Second Prompt: What do you want for Christmas?

"I WANT MATT SMITH FOR CHRISTMAS" -superzombiepower

Don't we all?

"you" -suchducks, 

as you can see above, this comment is by suchducks, who I adore, and who I found through Esther. She is awesome, and partly behind the process in which my video was chosen, so :D

"ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!" -MattAlexScott

sweet, but suchducks said it sweeter (x

"I just want to know who the eff Hank is" -yeah568

Another inside Nerdfighter joke, that just isn't worth the explanation, but ah, love it. <3

"All I want for christmas is 1,000 comments" -Faffricka

You can borrow some of mine...

"I want a my little pony with a black santa on top" -SoloStellatv

WANT.
"Cuz I gotta house full of black santas..."

"All I want for christmas is for charities to be well know, and for a group to just band together and spread the word! 

oh wait... P4A FTW!!"

I lol'd.

"I would like uh john's glasses" -theflawintheplan

This is funny because that's the only thing that I bid on in the raffles for p4a. I put all my donation money there, despite the fact that I would love Hank's album title to be "Ellie". So clearly, I'd love to recieve John's glasses as well, theflawintheplan.

And the Last Prompt (as well as my favorite: In Your Pants Jokes

of course I found the classics, such as "everything that rises must converge in your pants" and "sweaty yeti in your pants", but here are some other favorites.

"A Great and Terrible Beauty... In my pants" -myxgiftxisxmyxsong

"The Pianist in your pants," -posthumorously

I laughed way too much at this one. 

"An Abundance of Katherines... in your pants" -

to which one person replied

"that sounds uncomfortable"

and another,

"I'd be ok with many Katherines in my pants." -sn4kp4k

I'd say uncomfortable indeed.

"Who stole the cheese from my pants?" -xanipanable

don't look at me.

and then I saw one comment that said,

"I didn't read much?"

I didn't think they existed. A Nerdfighter who doesn't read? I felt like I had just seen a unicorn.

AVeryIronicGoose commented very politely, "One time I saw a book called The Hole That Needs to be Filled," 

to which mahnahkah replied, "IN YOUR PANTS."

oh, nerdfighteria... how I love you. No book shall go un-pantsed. (unless it isn't funny)

"Where's Waldo? In Your Pants." -Nienna146

Which is funny because I almost named this blog "Here's Waldo" I might as well have made it, "My Pants"

"Its Always Something in my pants..." -posthumorously

"the day the goose got loose INN MMYYY PPAANNTTSSSS" -JupiterStak

"The guide to nerdfighting... in your pants" -Duessa2000

which arguably, I think that book should have actually been called. (and yes, I believe someone is working on it to actually become a real book)

"pants pants pants" -windandocean

"I have a bird i like to hold in my pants" -windandocean

LET IT OUT! AHHHHH

"catching fire... in my pants." -myxgiftxisxmyxsong

"All the important things in life start in your pants" theejoshpow

The funny thing about this comment is that John Green has a famous quote that expresses the opposite sentiments of this very In Your Pants joke. I literally can't find it right now, but I'm pretty sure its from Will Grayson, Will Grayson, about the fact that so many of our thoughts revolve around when we're going to do it, with whom we will do it, etc. And that its ridiculous how we spend so much of our lives thinking about something slugs do.

"Alex Day in your pants! lol" -emilylime88, 

Girl, as much as I love you, i need to let you know ALEX DAY IS NOT A BOOK... just kedding.

and although its not a book title, I think this may be the most unnappreciated In Your Pants joke ever, 

"Don't Forget To Be Awesome... In My Pants."

Miscellaneous Comments that did not fit the prompts:

"I will be making a donation to the Trevor Project" -JulieVlogs 

This one is included because JulieVlogs is a made of awesome nerdfighter who i actually met at VidCon and this made me so happy.

"look! over there! what is it? pure awesome." -collegehasagedme

"Looking For Elaska" -moddylupin

"Alaska Young! We found you :P Lol. Lame joke, but I'm tired. awesome video!" 

I laughed an innapropriate amount at this.

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" -mahnahkah

I assume this person is speaking of John's spamming challenge? (:

"We spam comments. She spammed mirrors" -pro0glenn

YES. (you will only get this one if you watched the video)

"Gravy. That is what I heard." -moskitomagnet 

Not sure what this is in reference to, but it got me thinking... does gravy make a sound?

"Do we like tumblr?" windandocean

I just can't say enough about the way this is worded. it makes my smiles happen. "Do we?"

"I want to write a song called 'is that a b or an h?' about captchas" 

they commented this many times. I don't understand is it a cry for help? Pretty good idea though. I like.

"comment prompt: things you can eat if you just had wisdom teeth out"

This is funny because I just got home from my friend Alyssa's where we watched Christmas movies because she just got her wisdom teeth out and needed comforting.

"I feel bad for the uploader, what will she think when she read all of these?"

I was so amazingly proud to have been chosen, and help the nerdfighters with p4a. So incredibly happy.

then simply "Judy Bloom"

In your pants?

I adore you Nerdfighteria, and you will stop being awesome the day the universe explodes. (which we know won't happen because we've got a Timelord (and a fez) to fix that.


200

I thought it would be ok.
where are you?

someone tell me there's a heaven.
someone tell me we will meet again.
say there's someplace she's in now
that doesn't contain dirt
and emptiness.

tell me because I can't bear it otherwise
and neither can John.
I suppose she'd have taken it alright though.

Tell me she can see me.
say that she knows all the good she's done.
say that she knows I love her.

how many more times
tears will stain and scratch my face
I can never be sure of.

My girl of the stars,
Will you ever know?
has anyone ever told you?
is the world a two-way mirror?

as much as I've been stubborn
and disinclined to admit it
I hope with all my heart
that it is.

Can you see all your magic
projecting across
countries and
seas and
powerlines?

Have you witnessed
as clearly as I have
the effect
of your infections incantation?

I'll try to live
as witness to
the goodness
you've left behind
in me.

I just wish there were more things
I could guarentee.


2010